Multiply Regret

The people I sit up at night remembering are those people I have hurt and those that have hurt me.

It is those people that I have hurt that I regret the most. I am consumed with kinder words, things left unsaid, things that should have been left unsaid, all those secrets I didn’t keep, all those paper cut remarks I’ve made.

How unnecessary and how painful. Is it silly to regret? I sit up at night forcing myself over every line, my memory like a blade over my skin, I deserve this punishment.

We should be better friends, better lovers, better strangers. I should be better. There is no excuse for being unkind. No matter how hungry or angry or hurt.

What is this ethics? If I want to be kinder to others to save the pain of regret is that not self-serving? Am I just perpetually trying to easy my guilt or punish my self?

I can only hope that these obsessive regrets serve a purpose and will keep me silent or make me speak up for everyone in my life. I hope its like homework, multiplication tables in the forth grade. 2x2=4, always tell the people in your life that you care about them. 3x3=9, always be kind.

I know I will never be perfect; I still have trouble with multiplying by 8. I hope that if I remind myself that any hurt I inflict on someone else will keep me up at night consumed by the math of regret that I can be a kinder person.

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I know I've been a Debbie Downer lately but I think this has a more positive message. (I hope)

I'll try and post some perky things soon.

Thank you my loves for reading :)

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