Who I want to be.

There is always going to be a gap between who you are and who you want to be.

I want to be the girl who wears Anthropolgie and J Crew every day. Dashed out in layers of interesting fabric, quirky patterns and every color. Bangled up to the 9s. Perpetually in shades and perfectly subtle make up. Dark lacquered nails and wild red hair.

I want to know when to be silent. When to just smile. When to interject interesting facts and a little laugh. I want to use all those 10cent words and swear without sounding coarse.

I want to be a wild thing out side in the woods where the high grass meets the twisted trees. I want to be a climber and a runner. With wide strides and bare feet. Smiling up at leaves and letting the sun warm my skin. Swimming in my sun dresses and jumping in to snow banks.

I want to be fearless. To look like a smoker without the cigarette. To let the physicality of life seem irrelevant and far away. I want to be content in myself and know I have value. I want to be curled up in window sills and stared at for my strangeness. I want to be sprawled out on beautiful bed clothes and sleep like I have no cares at all.

I want to see the beauty in all things. I want to be able to configure any object into a position that brings out its loveliness. I want to open my eyes every morning and be surrounded by all objects I love.

I want to trust that my friends won’t leave me. To be secure in knowing that I am important to those I find important. I want my phone to ring when I feel lonely. I want to be the one calling those I love when they don’t even know they need it yet.

I want to find all my food beautiful and delicious. I want an avocado with salt to melt in my mouth every day. I want all those simple and powerful spices to make up every meal and feed the ones and love and fill them with the satisfaction of eating well.

I want all those light and happy things to outweigh the dark. And when I am sad, because sadness has its own beauty, I want to be sad appropriately. I want to know the tears running down my cheeks are justified and that any pain I feel will only heighten my understanding of life.

I want to surround myself with family. Those biological and emotional. I want to create a family with puppies and babies in a beautiful cottage by the sea. I want to feel loved and love so completely that my family will never doubt me.

I want to be good and dangerous. I want to be ruled by my ethical values but merciless in my protection of my life and those I love.

I want to be violent and sweet.

I want to be ok with my own dichotomy.

I want to travel and not be afraid of new experience. I want to see and smile and take pictures everywhere. I want to remember each new experience in my life and look back on them so I know I’ve lived.

I want the happiness of others to make me happy. I want to be secure in what gives me joy and not worry that I do not find joy in those things that others find joy in. I want others judgment to roll off me like rain.

I never want to lose my imagination. I want to be able to escape into books, songs, or silence whenever I chose.

I want to be an iron and wine song. On the swings at a park with my big lace up boots and a white dress feeling weightless and content either by myself or with friends.

I want to be a fractal. All those little things that make up who I am simply a part of the whole, yet exactly what the whole is. I am the smallest and biggest parts of myself and I can shift from one to the other without losing who I am.

I want photo booth pictures to bookmark all my pages. I want fresh flowers all ways in my house. I want to revel in soil and muck. I want to revel in washing myself clean. I want a big bath tub to soak and read and think in.

I want to be fluid, easily redefined. Perpetually changing but remaining constant. I want to learn and retain and stay firm in my ideals.

I want to let go of mistakes and anger and simply learn from them. I don’t want to hate or be ashamed of any part of myself or anyone else.

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